Love 2012

Photo

Sun, 26 Aug 2012 01:15:20 -0500

Photo

Sun, 26 Aug 2012 01:15:15 -0500

0.0 Dang expensive first semester of my college life...

Sun, 05 Aug 2012 01:11:43 -0500

-Roughly $831 for my 4 classes of college

-Planning to buy a 3DS for $169.99 (but it’s already been reduced to savings of $93)

-Planning to buy 15mm-300mm zoom lens for my Nikon camera $400 roughly

-Toshiba laptop I desire at Officemax for $500 roughly (i’ll use financial aid)

-Oni-Con tickets $60 (me and my hubby)

-$100 school supplies -> need it for my art classe(s)

-Textbooks I’ll only need two and in my head I’m going in the prices of $50-100 total

-$500 worth of food for 5 months

-$500 worth of gas for 5 months

(5 months this semester = August through December)

.__. I’ve been saving up pretty good without a job…but it seems like the camera lens and the 3DS is out of the question…but I’m so close for the 3DS Dx SO CLOSE DANG IT!!

The news

Sat, 23 Jun 2012 23:26:42 -0500

Good news - I’m going to recover probably in two weeks.

Bad news 1- I have a bad case of hemorrhoids/internal bleeding from the spice after another checkup with the doctor.

Bad news 2- Just lay off jalapenos and their seeds…probably forever.

Bad news 3- THE CONSTIPATION SUCKS BALLS.

I want to say a few things.

Sun, 03 Jun 2012 01:31:40 -0500

I did not like my senior year. Not one bit. I fought hard to keep up with my grades in Pre-Calculus. I was very close to failing and not graduate. I had a lot of fun times with the band, for they kept me alive from depression. I fought hard to think, wow, I have some friends. But, some can’t always help me. I can’t help but care for others when I’m the one who gets hurt. I never played the violin, but the students who stayed all those years in high school taught me, I have a passion for something. Money is hard on me because I like to spend, but now I know what to do. It doesn’t hurt to be selfish. I wish my whole family could see me graduate today. But, father, I hate you. I hate you like my ex-boyfriend named Jonathan Morales. I hate that bastard so much; I wish he disappeared from life like you did. I wish I could know that one cousin I never got to get close to until now. I wish my mom could love and appreciate the kind boyfriend I have now. The boyfriend who helped me since last summer. The one who taught me I should be happy with myself. I wish I could make you happy and have no arguments on anything, even the slightest smallest things. I wish I could. I wish I could say goodbye to my friend who died from cancer not too long ago. I wish I didn’t cut my hair, but I felt like a change. I wish I didn’t have to suffer all eighteen years of my life, thinking, I think life isn’t so bad but it is. I wish…a lot of things. But today, I’m graduating from high school. I’m speechless. It finally hit me. I wish everyone could understand how I feel. But not everyone does. And that’s okay. I just want to express how I feel. I feel so confined and isolated. But I know I’m not alone. I will try to smile more. But. I’m broken a little ever since this year started. I wish I could pick up the pieces, realign them, and delete the ones that could be impermanently disappear. I love my mom and the boyfriend I have now. I want the two of them to be happy. I want to be happy with myself. Somehow. I want happiness.

My worst fear

Tue, 29 May 2012 21:20:47 -0500

My worst fear to die in are car accidents. :/

I hope for those who think I drive too careful is to save your life and mine’s from any harm.

Rude black lady

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 10:46:35 -0500

Something that ruined my day was when we went to Food Town to cash in $23 of change there, upon leaving, a rude black lady said, “Excuse me?” out of nowhere. I looked to turn over my shoulder and thought she was directing that towards me. Then she has the nerve to say, “This Asian chick was giving me a nasty look; I would have kick that chink’s ass.” My boyfriend just took me back to the car quickly and took another route since she was standing all pissed at one of the exits, expecting for me to come by.

I'm quite happy

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 21:36:16 -0500

You know, it’s been more than six months in this relationship with Isaias. And, despite several disagreements and some arguments on some things, we are accepting and learning each other mistakes and are willing to help each other.

I’m actually happy he’s going to night school. Not because he IS taking a course for the night, but because he is taking care of his business.

I don’t care if he’s not perfect. I’m just quite happy he is growing into a mature man, about to be 19, and getting rid or improving some of the old habits of his. Though he still is a video game addict, who isn’t? I know it’s like sex or a sport for guys to play video games, and hell, I play video games, so it’s okay.

Everything seem fine for now. It’s just. Two more months. Then. We’re graduating. I know. It’s already…time. Though I am getting kind of worried but not stressful about Isaias whether or not he will pass, but I have faith and if he doesn’t pass, well, I need to control my anger or tone. He is trying, sometimes, that is.

Wonder if I should host a graduation party, by the way. o.o

Once upon a time,

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 12:46:10 -0600

there was this timid, shy girl
named Ayuda Pengyou.
Her job was to go to the school’s library
and make coffee for every student who purchases
any flavor for a dollar.

A boy named Isaac came to the library
to always buy the Hazelnut coffee.
Pengyou one day asked, “You always buy that flavor, why?”
He replied, “So what?”
She gave an annoyed look before handing his drink, but before she pulled back her hand, he grabs her wrist and teases her, calling her “brace-face”.

Pengyou used her free hand to scratch
his arm and with her nails to make him bleed.

Isaac lets out a howl, screaming, “Ah, let go!”
Pengyou lets go after successfully digging into his skin. She was letting him feel the pain he had inflicted on her.

Seconds after still feeling the sharp pain,
Isaac took his Hazelnut and left the library.

The next day, a day before the Homecoming dance,
Pengyou realized she was still single before the event.
She was working on someone’s coffee before she heard
the unfathomable voice: “Hey brace-face.”
Pengyou looks up and sees Isaac’s coy smile.
“Get your damn face away from me.” She said in Chinese.
Ràng nǐ de liǎn lí wǒ ér qù.
Isaac replied, “Queso?”
Pengyou said, “Nothing.”

Isaac rests his elbow on the counter, inching his head closer to the slowly- aggravated girl.
“Will you go to the homecoming dance with me?”
Pengyou’s eyes grew wide, shocked by Isaac’s invite.
Isaac waits for an answer.
Pengyou started to break into a cold sweat.
She couldn’t believe her ears.
Was this some sick joke? She thought.

Just when she thought this day could get any worse,
she declined his offer.
A sad, sorrowful expression filled his face.
It was as if a nail had pierced through his heart.

Isaac left again. Pengyou gives the prepared coffee to the student.
She lowers her head in shame, wondering why
she was beginning to feel like this.

On the day of the homecoming dance, Pengyou
went to the dentist afterschool to finally remove her braces.
She was so relieved to remove them.
She didn’t even have to wear a retainer.
She went back to school to prepare for the
homecoming dance.
Pengyou was a member of the student council.
She was helping set up the homecoming dance.
Some were amazed how hardworking she was.
Every time someone handed her tools,
she shyly said her thanks.
Whenever she accidently bumped into another,
she solemnly apologizes.

Some wondered if she was going to the dance.
Some wondered if she even had a date.
Some were shocked her braces were taken off.
For all Pengyou could say to everyone, she was
glad her braces were off, but she was alone
for the night’s dance.

When the homecoming dance was nearing its opening time, Pengyou got ready in her dress.
She got a colbat, blue dress and wore it with heels
that she brought with her afterschool.
Many were amazed how she looked.
She looked elegant, fabuluous, and magnificent.

Nearly in the middle of the dance,
someone tapps her shoulder from behind.
She turns around, shocked by who she sees.
Isaac was holding pink carnations towards her.
Some of Pengyou’s friends nearby gasped.

“Here’s my second chance at this, will you accept me?”
This time, with a frail smile, she pulled him by his tie that went with his tuxedo, luring him in by inching her lips towards his right ear,
“Yes.”

A jealous boy nearby came by to interrupt
their sweet romance.
Pengyou, shy and timid, didn’t know what to do.
Isaac arches a brow before throwing smartass comments.
The jealous boy was enraged, throwing a punch
towards Isaac’s face, throwing him off balance.
Then the two began to fist fight.
Pengyou grabbed a nearby fruit punch bowl and
splashed it on the envious other.
It caused the jealous male to flee.
Isaac, grateful, apologized for causing a scene.

Pengyou smiled and shook her head.
They resumed their night together on the
homecoming dance.
Time went by a fiery pace.
Before they know it, it was already over.

The next day, Pengyou was dressed normal.
Some stopped by to compliment her appearance.
More people bought coffee from the cafe now.
Then when she sees Isaac, she brings a coy smile.

“One hot chocolate please.” He ordered.
“Something different today?” She said, preparing it.
Isaac added, “But it’s not as sweet as you, my helping friend.”
Pengyou gives him his finished drink.
“Friend? Don’t you mean…” She whispered something that
no one could hear her unaudiable voice.
Isaac turns beat red. “Girl?”
“Friend.” Pengyou said, finishing his words.

( This is my fairy tale story I told to my English IV teacher for a major grade.)

Slightly fazed.

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 11:00:31 -0600

Things have grown better in my relationship. I am very happy, but sometimes I feel as if I don’t have the love for Isaias as much as I did with my ex-boyfriend. But it’s that saying where, “The heart is calm but knows it is in love but doesn’t beat fast because it doesn’t need to.” - anonymous.

I do miss my current boyfriend when he’s not spending time with me, though. I wait for him in the hallways in high school, and I smile to him when I do see him. Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t worry about it. I guess as long as I’m happy, it’s all good. I finally found someone who is loyal, loves me, and can share with anything with me. We’re best friends/lovers. It’s truly a nice thing to have.

The real good thing is he is going to the same colleges I go to, and he’s willing to move in with a job after we graduate in June 2012.

The main reason why I am slightly fazed, and this is off-topic, but yesterday both of my music directors in band and orchestra yelled at me in front of others. I asked my band director if I could print out a last minute correction essay, but not only did it aggravated him, he also gave me negative put downs as usual in the past. His words don’t faze me anymore, but his looks keep me slightly fazed. He lets me go print my essay, but the moment I hopped in my seat to play my clarinet, I dropped it and he had saw that. At least he didn’t say anything else after that.

Now my orchestra director got pissed at me when I was rehearsing my trio piece with my two friends Christina and Erwin. I had my other friend Helen’s violin because of it’s beautiful intonation and sound. Luckily she wasn’t there to witness the accident, but what had happen was when I was conversational with my orchestra teacher, I suddenly dropped her violin.

All four of us stared at the fallen instrument on the rug it was on for fifteen long seconds. My orchestra teacher was pretending to sob with the back of his free hand pressed tightly against his eyes. I started blabbering before he yelled, “SHUT UP.” to me. My heart stopped for a second before he hands me the violin and told me to hold it right. He then told me I kept talking and bickering like a little blond girl before we went back to playing the music piece.

I won "Best of Show" artwork out of the whole district in my school :D

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 14:41:05 -0600

Spending MORE time with our friends?

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 20:39:42 -0600

Isaias and I were discussing in McDonalds while eating a 20 count mcnuggets about how we should be spending more time with our friends rather than each other. But no matter how much eye contact, listening, nodding, and smiling, Isaias says he loves me so much he doesn’t want me to be lonely. He concerns about me. And doesn’t want me to feel alone.

I have to admit I don’t spend as much time as I used to with friends when I’m with Isaias because he is my boyfriend. He is too, but he spends so much time with me. I kind of am concerned myself because his mom wants attention as well from her baby. My mom was the same with me but she learned to accept it, but now I try my best to love and give her time, too.

Everyone needs time apparently from us, and it only causes us stress because a lot of people want to spend time with us. But it makes fair and share. I talked to Isaias and told him that we need to even out our times with our friends. I told him I’ll be alright. I would be sad, but I know I am happy as long as he’s happy being with his friends, too. I know he would always come back and discuss me about things. He is always reliable. He is always with me. He is always loyal and faithful and caring. I love him. But I want us to be happy and healthy you know?

It’s a good thing we talked this out on the phone. I was thinking a break wouldn’t be a good idea. In fact, it made me sob on the phone. I couldn’t help shed some tears because it was really depressing. I don’t want to be on my ex boyfriend’s path where he think a breaks would do us good. No, no way. It was an excuse my ex boyfriend wanted to use against me to cheat on me for some other girl because he lost interest on me or didn’t have any time for himself— when he had plenty of that for himself in those months by himself. But Isaias choose me. He says he doesn’t want to separate himself from me. But I told him, “Even if we’re apart, we’re always connected.” - by Kim.

I know that I need to spend a day with my friends, and towards the end of the day, I can go visit him on the same day. He told me he would love that. He wants to spend every little time with me as possible. Every moment counts, and also the thoughts.

But I trust him. I trust that he can do the things he can do.

He’s a big boy, you know. And I’m a big girl, we shouldn’t depend on each other 24/7. I know we got things on our hands, and we need to control our urges to be with each other. It’s not that we are taking a break, NO! It’s more like, just even things out to spending more time with our friends? Yeah, that sounds about right. At least we are mature to take things to an even level for us to be healthy in our relationship, and that’s what matters, right? I’ll just have to get over the sadness that he will be with others, but I know I’ll be strong when I await his return to share me his wonders.

Ah, sweet love. LOL

Why have I become so weak?

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 01:25:22 -0600

Bad New Years Eve

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 01:19:44 -0600

I shouldn’t be crying right now. It’s already new years. It’s 2012. I am crying on a new year where things could go right, but already I feel wrong. I think it’s because of time of the month mood swings. I don’t feel so good though. I felt bloated, upset, and angry. All three to be truthful. But now I am just crying. I can’t stop crying. But maybe it’s because…it’s because I was suppose to have a happy new years celebration with Isaias. Maybe…just maybe it could have been special…but why? I feel so selfish. I just wanted a lot of things, and yet I forgot to give him his happiness, too. I forgot he has friends or my friends…I forgot all of that. I forgot so much of how others can be there involved with our lives. I feel so damn selfish. I know I’m beating myself up, but I can’t help it. I didn’t spend the new years eve with my mom. I’m glad aunt Susie is with her though, I thought she would have left her behind. I’m surprised. But Isaias…he just spent his time with my good friend playing Pokemon…I was lying in his bed in pain because I felt bloated and sad. I craved for his attention. I’m addicted to Isaias and I can’t help that. Yeah… it’s time I give myself some time off. But school is in two days and pretty soon…we might not see each other so much. We will see each other less. But right now, right now I want him to hug me just like he had given me after he dropped me home and we said happy new years and kissed. It was nice…but I didn’t get to do the countdown…nor did I get anything good out of it. I didn’t get my mom any food like I promised her…I feel so…selfish.

Ever hate that feeling

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 22:04:41 -0600

When you can’t make your FUCKING decisions when you want to? No matter how much you think about it, there’s like no other way around it? Or you’re highly paranoid or disappointed about whichever road you take for those decisions?

That’s how I feel. IT MAKES ME FUCKING ANGRY HOW I CAN’T DECIDE!

Winter break is ending

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 00:58:13 -0600

New years eve is arriving. And the year of 2012 will be here before we all know it. There has been many ups and downs for these past couples of days while on my two week winter break from school.

I don’t look forward to returning to school because I have a dreadful Pre-Calculus final, and an Aquatic Science test that I have to take. I’m equally concerned for both subjects, but more leaning on the math class because it’s a raw 70 in there. With a 83 in my science class, I’m fortunate to be passing, but just barely past the three point bound of maybe taking my final for that class. Sighs, biggie.

For one thing, Isaias will be taking night school for three subjects. (Or so he claims if he’s not lazy.) Spanish II, Algebra II, and English IV. No, he’s not an idiot. He’s slow, but at least he has a kind big heart to keep me safe and loved. Unlike my smart ass ex whom I never will come into contact ever again. While he’s taking night school, I’ll have to figure a way to distract myself. I know that I will be missing him within those hours, hell he’ll be too tired to be even online after night school ends around 8pm for him. At least for the weekends we can see each other. :)

I’m just glad he understands and has patience for me, or is willing to make the effort to do anything for me. Even if it by any means dealing with my hectic family, or friends who can be unfair with me about some things.

Excited for prom

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0600

I can’t wait for prom. I found $100 in my second closet that I don’t know how many years was kept in there. I believe I kept it since my freshman year because I got a $200 or something back then for my birthday and kept it in there and never found it til then.

I decided Isaias will keep that for our prom. He only needs $60 to save. Isaias believes he will ‘pickpocket’ his dad’s wallet for spare change. I know, a little thief he is, but how else will he obtain money? He can’t exactly beg his parents, and get an allowance like I do— or at least can ask my mom for money because she kind of trusts me for that purpose.

On Christmas I gave him a penny jar collector. It’s a pretty tall see-through plastic jar where it automatically counts the amount of coins deposited inside. I find it useful for saving, and it was cheap when I bought it. :D

Now, I guess you could say I sound like I’m excited but truthfully, just a lot of girl friends that past graduated tell me it’s worth it. I am not a fan of school dances even though I had a great experience on the April’s Sadie Hawkins Dance that passed this year. But my homecoming dance from my junior year was just a bad experience. I don’t want it to where it’ll humiliate me and Isaias, but I don’t think we care since we’ve already conquered a lot of our fears together. Not to mention I can share him anything in mind because I feel so comfortable with him.

Mom wanted Isaias to pay the tickets, but I find that kind of impossible because he doesn’t have a job, nor does his parents have a good income. Not that my mom has any better since she’s a single mom with an only child. I guess it’s fair because I’ve given him a lot of my profit share, but that’s only because I am cool with it and the such. But since he’s my boyfriend, he should be the one with the money, huh? Sighs, the world isn’t fair, lol.

Already my mom called an acquaintance of hers for my prom dress. Don’t worry, I get to choose it, but basically the acquaintance has different prom dresses she owns and I can rent it for a fair price instead of buying a prom dress and waste it all on a one or two day event.

Cuddling with Isaias

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 18:42:11 -0600

It was a cold, harsh day. I didn’t have a good day at school. Regardless, though, I enjoyed spending about an hour and a half cuddling with Isaias at his home alone just with him. We didn’t do the nasty or anything, we just cuddled in his bed. He was so adorable but I grew anxious to leave because my mom doesn’t want me to spend time with him afterschool for too long even if I have told her the day before today that I’d stay “afterschool” until 5pm. Regardless, I enjoyed at least an hour of the short nap and liked his warmth in my arms. I felt safe and happy despite the shitty day I had today.

I have one of his sweaters because I was shivering like fuck today. I love the scent of his sweater though, mmm his smell. Tee hee . <3 Tomorrow will be three months together :D

Balance

Sun, 04 Dec 2011 01:41:00 -0600

Despite the awful Thanksgiving break that I was given a week off from school, I would have to say this week has been decent. There were some things to be adjusted, and maybe a few concerns here and there. But things are looking brighter and better again.

I need to spend more time with friends and family. I know Isaias is my life at the moment, but I can see we are drifting from our friends a little bit. No, maybe a lot and we just don’t notice it. Luckily though, most I believe don’t mind us together. Either way, he makes me happy and amused. I don’t care what the family does with him, he’s mine and they can’t kick him out for that.

I want Isaias to be happy, but I also need to learn not to be so clingy. I destroyed my last relationship with that, and so I need to incorporate that knowledge into just keeping things at balance. Our three months would be on the 7th of December (: I look forward for that day. I do hope my family and I grow to be more positive and not so pessimistic about life at times.

No break up is going to destroy us. It won’t happen because I know we can be strong. >:]

Now I know how it feels again

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 20:42:38 -0600

That aching sad feeling deep into the chest. I feel lonely. I know how mom feels. Alone in this house now. She went with my Aunt Susie to a party. At least my mom will be happy. It’s quiet in the house right now. It feels so lonely. I feel so sad…I’m sorry Mom…now I know how it feels. I’m crying over spilled milk. I’m sorry…now I’m so lonely…

Happy Thanksgiving…yeah I’m happy, alright.